The Dichotomy of Control

During my usual weekly exploration of interesting links and finds, I stumbled upon one of my favorite movie quotes on Brillantcrank. Truth be told, I've been sitting on this post for a few months now; it hasn't just felt like it was the right time to put pen to (digital) paper, but given the overwhelming, chaotic energy I felt inside towards the end of 2024, it was the nudge that I needed. And, from what I can sense from many of my friends, 2025 doesn't feel that much different.

It's a lot.

Politics, society, social media, work drama, life drama, health drama, school stress, crazy weather and fires exploding everywhere, a war here and there, the price of eggs, etc. The list goes on and on.

In a daily bombardment filled with endless notifications, and unpredictable events, it's easy to feel like you're drowning in stress. The sheer number of wacko curveballs thrown at you daily is exhausting.

That's how I felt. As I mentioned last time: Holes.

Given the number of people who sent me notes about that post (thank you for your kind words!), I know I'm not the only one who was there. Many wanted to know what I thought about how to get out of a "hole."

Worry a little bit every day and in a lifetime you will lose a couple of years. If something is wrong, fix it if you can. But train yourself not to worry: Worry never fixes anything. -Ernest Hemingway

And ...

Before you worry about how to win the game, figure out whether the game is worth winning. - James Clear

The funny thing about these holes - a large percentage of the things that cause you stress and worry are things that there's jack shit that you can do to control them. I finally realized just how much of my stress came from trying to control things that were simply out of my hands.

This brings me to what stoics call the idea of the dichotomy of control.

Epictetus wrote:

"The chief task in life is simply this: to identify and separate matters so that I can say clearly to myself which are externals not under my control, and which have to do with the choices I actually control."

Now, on the surface, you could interpret this as simply: "Hey - shit happens, some things are in your control, and some aren't; trying to control what's outside your reach is pointless." It would be like trying to fight wind.

But I dunno; I don't think he was just saying "fuck all" to everything, but rather, each individual is responsible on how they react. It's primarily up to us to change.

So maybe it really comes down to this: the things we have direct control over are our actions, how we think about things, and our values.

Everything else is outside of that is uncontrollable.

You can't control the past.

You can't control what other people think about you.

You can't control the weather or some asteroid barreling toward Earth.

You can't control time.

Just a few ideas on some things that are all outside our direct control. Epictetus also said that people are stressed not by events but by their judgments about events. So don't waste time, stress, or energy on those things.

A good example, is that I've said I write here for myself, not for an audience. I can’t control who follows me, reads this, or how many "likes" it gets. I can write things for myself about things that make me happy.

It's been amazing how such a simple shift of thinking has positively affected my mood and mental health. It's taken a massive weight off my mind. It's like putting down a backpack full of stress that I've been carrying for no reason.

After embracing this idea of focusing only on what I could control, I needed a practical way to apply it; so I started using a simple tool: the 'not my circus, not my monkeys’ list.

1. Write down everything that's stressing you out.
2. Divide the list into two columns: 'Things I Can Control' and 'Things I Can't.'
3. Focus your energy on the first column
4. Let go of the second.

There’s also another option: knowing you can do something about it, but you decide not to. But it's still a choice.

I’d recommend spending your energy on the side of the circus tent, where you can actually do something about it. You don't have to figure out everything at once — just focus on what's in front of you. The rest will follow. This isn't about being passive - it's really about focusing that energy on where you can add value.

I do know that I've been in a much happier place now. So, the next time life feels overwhelming, take a moment to pause, make your list, and focus on what you can control. You'll be amazed at how much lighter you feel.

Momento Mori. ✌🏻